He recently lost a lot of weight and feels comfortable with his body. He's been looking for a relationship but can't find one. He met these swingers and now spends every night with them. He's not getting any younger and won't find anyone if all his time is spent "swinging". I think he just wants the attention, but I'm very concerned. He's even started missing work because he is up all night with this couple. I think he's better than this and there's some type of dysfunction going on. He's admitted that he can't stop but knows it's wrong. I don't know what to say to him. I've tried searching the internet but can't find anything on this type of behavior. Why people do it (not the swingers, but the ones involved with them), the negative side of being involved with it and how to stop someone you love from getting involved with this type of behavior. I've tried telling him that he's an object to these people and they don't care about him.
Answers:
1. From what I understand of swinging, swingers can be quite selective of who they choose to swing with. They wouldn't just take anyone off the street, y'know. I'm sure if he felt like he was being used and they didn't care about him he wouldn't spend so much time with them.
Are you sure this is about your concern for your best friend and not about you possibly feeling neglected? He has more self esteem, more confidence since losing the weight and now feels free to let loose where before he could've felt restricted. If he is happy doing what he is doing then let him have his fun for now, let him get it out of his system. Maybe he needs to do this before committing to one person (or perhaps another swinger). I know I've had my fun of casual sex in the past before committing to another relationship and I'm sure I'm not the only one. The novelty could wear off after awhile or this could be the kind of lifestyle he chooses to live. Swinging is not always a bad thing if all persons involved are responsible and practise safe sex.
If you are concerned about him don't look around on the net about what others have to say about it, ask him, he's the one doing it. If he's happy where he is and with what he is doing (as long as he's being safe) all you can do is support him.
2. I appreciate your compassion and caring about your best friend. I can understand how you'd want to protect them from hurting themselves. I would suggest that you have a very frank conversation about you feel about what he's doing. Tell them why you think it's hurting them or hurting your friendship. You don't really need to find information on the internet if your "gut" feeling tells you what he's doing is bad or is going to hurt him.
But before you rush off to tell them the "truth", know this: telling the "truth" of a situation is hard to tell and difficult to hear. Your friend may get defensive and may try to push you away-common behavior for someone who is clearly suffering.
What I'm saying is simply that he might be dealing with something-perhaps an insecurity or problem in his life, by acting this way. Or he has decided that the "swinger" lifestyle makes him happy.
Unfortunately, your good intentions may not be enough to make him want to change his behavior. Ultimately, the decision to take a different "path" and the decision to change, are both up to him to make. Weigh what you want to do carefully and then go forward with pure heart and good intentions. Just be prepared for the worst. If he is happy being a "swinger" then the best thing you can do as his friend is support him and accept him for who he is. Life is about change ... even when we don't want it to.
Hope this helps. Good luck!
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