Ok long story.
To make it short I'll cut to the chase:
I've known him for 2.5 years
We have a physical relationship
We're both in school in 2 different states
He's been there through thick and thin
We talk all the time
Everyone is convinced we go out- my entire family, even though I tell them we're just friends.
etc. . .
I was engaged before to another man and soon after the engagement was broken I met this guy. We've been cool ever since. And never officially "dated" per say.
This summer there was much discussion about our situation. I told him earlier this year I really liked him and he mutually agreed he felt that way about me. Over the past 9 or so months I have been thinking I am falling in love....so I recently told him. And I told him not because I wanted him to say it in return, not because I want him to commit to me, not because of anything other than I wanted to get it off my chest. I felt that I needed to be honest and just say it...
Answers:
1. 8 hours ago
He initially didn't respond when I told him how I felt....which is to be expected. I wasn't looking for a response. (Now, obviously there was going to have to be some type of response, but I wasn't digging for one...) But after he asked more questions like "what exactly do you love?" he makes the statement "I'm just some normal guy you haven't had a relationship with. Love was your ex-finance. . . . I have love for you but I am not "in love" with you"
Perfectly valid feeling. I completely understand and yes, though it is a little painful, I am ok. I don't know how I'd respond if someone just popped out of no where with that either.
I asked him why he asked me so many questions then if he already knew how he felt. That it seemed a little pointless if he already knew. His response was "it through me for a loop, because we had an understanding until we were out of school" . . . . which is true.
We agreed that we were both going to stay focused on school and not get in relationships.
2. 8 hours ago
I told him that even though I said what I said, that I didn't expect it to change anything. That i wasn't trying to trick him into saying anything nor would I want him to. That I simply wanted to be honest and perhaps I shouldn't have but what's said is said and life moves on....
Now what?? Have I completely ruined my chances here or doomed my friendship?? I'm scared to lose him, he is a wonderful friend. Have any of you been through something similar??
Any words would be better than nothing at this point. . . . please help? (If you can? lol)
3. OK, long answer.
And Warning: Brutally honest answer follows!
Ok, here's the good news! You have won the "friends with benefits" sweepstakes! All the "benefits", some of the "friendship" and none of the commitment!
Now, here's the bad news...you are nothing but a sex toy for him. The line "I love you but am not IN love with you" is man-speak for "Great sex, don't bother me with emotions" (Trust me, I've USED that line).
Because you live in different states and only see each other occasionally, he already has it in his mind that there won't be a commitment. He's known that all along. Of course he "likes" you...how could he not? He's getting the milk for free! And yes, he may "love" you on a certain level; in that he does care about you as a person and cares about what happens to you...but that's not the kind of "love" you feel for him. He does not share your emotional attachment.
And now that you've told him you are falling for him, you both agree "to stay focused on school and not get in relationships"? That plays right into his hands. He had no intention of a relationship anyway. Convenient, isn't it? That should be a BIG RED FLAG to you. I bet HE'S the one who suggested that! (Again, been there!)
I can't say if you've "ruined" the friendship or not. Only time will tell. But the dynamic has absolutely changed. By admitting your feelings for him, you have altered the nature of the relationship from mutual play-things to something more...and by his reaction, he doesn't want that.
The true test of whether your friendship will last or not is this...stop sleeping with him. Continue talking with him (but don't mention the "love" part), just talk as friends. And when you do get together, NO SEX.
If, after he gets the picture, he respects your decision and wants to continue your friendship, that arrangement will be just fine and you won't notice any difference in how he talks with you or treats you, and your friendship will remain intact. If he "loves" you, he will continue to be your friend. But, if he starts to "drift away" or become more distant, then you will know.
Either way, you have passed a "point of no return". His reaction should tell you what you need to know, but it will take time to figure out.
Based on all that you've said, my educated guess is that he will suddenly become "busy", and the friendship will fade away. Sorry to break it to you. It's easy for guys to say the "L" word, especially when it comes to "friends with benefits". Actually proving it over time, and WITHOUT the benefits, is the more difficult part, and that's what you need to test.
You can email me if you want to talk some more.
Again, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but based on your posting, I just don't see this lasting.
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