I can't take it nor do I want to. Married 30 yrs but we are not what we were. My youngest son died 28 June 2006 by choice; he stepped into a Simi going down the interstate! We will never over come this. I am coward. Although I supported the family for 20 years, now, she has master status as the bread winner. She treats me kike a dog on/off. She blames me for our sons death; rightfully so. No counseling has been NOT any help.
Sorry for rambling. I need to break out but have about $1000.00 hardly enough. I thought about living on the streets; I do own an ok car. Sometimes I think I want to kill her. Don't think I would, just myself. My psychiatrists says move, on, and move out. I need to do this but it's, so hard, because it’s so easy with her income and my control of the money... F...k it---money means **** till you can't eat.
Any way thought from the general community?
I'll know the ones who are--them who know who they are and your direction means dog crap to me.
Answers:
1. im sorry for what you have gone throught, but it really sound like you need to get the courage to get out of this bad situation
it will not get any better.but in time you will be able to heal the
wounds; but staying there will not help any one. make some
small steps and do things that will get you in the mind set to
move out. time to take the advivce and move out, do what is
right for you to heal. good luck and god be with you.
2. It is not your fault that your son killed himself. I know what it is like to be blamed for a tragety even though it was really not my fault and I had to learn this before it destroyed me. I know it is never easy losing a child and I also know that it can ruin a marriage...it ruined mine... I lost a son too several years ago. The last thing you really want to do is soil your sons memory by letting it destroy you.... I'm sure it is not what he would have wanted. Sometimes a person can be in so much turmoil and pain that they can no longer deal with life and it seems like taking their own life is their only option.... that is truly not the case but those that think that way are truly sick and do not truly realize the consequences of their actions.... if they did then I'm sure they would never even consider that course of action. I know that he is probably looking down on you now and regrets the pain that his passing has caused your family and I know in my heart that he would want you to remember only the good things about him and not the tragic loss you suffered. I guess one thing I learned is that you can either be tormented for the rest of your life and be a shell of your former self or you can carry on and remember the love that you had for your son and try and make him proud of the man that you are. That is not an easy task I know from experience.
If the baggage that you are carrying ever gets too heavy just remember you only have to set it down and continue on ... you will never forget but you can continue on without those heavy bags you are carrying.
Good Luck and God Bless You!
3. First off, she only points one finger at you and three more back at herself. Losing a child under any circumstance is difficult on a marriage. Losing one to suicide is even more traumatic.
What would I do? Lose myself in my work and forget the world around me. Maybe even take on some really physical work that would just wear me out so I could sleep. I would definitely move out away from the daily reminders. When the pain eased enough I would find a grief counseler that I could cry my heart out to and hopefully learn to accept that it really wasn't my fault. My child was ill and died because of it.
There is always a soup kitchen or food pantry within driving distance. A room or efficiency apartment. Maybe I'd even come right out and ask my spouse to pay for a place for me til I got on my feet.
I honestly don't think I could stay in the marriage or even in the same house.
I tend to bottle things up and explode later over little crap and therapy was like pulling teeth with a pair of tweezers. It took years to finally open up and a few more to get through about a 1/4 of my issues. I even took long breaks in between (6-9 months at a time at first). Switched therapists at least a dozen times til I finally found one that met my criteria of someone I could confide in.
I even resorted to becoming an alcoholic for a spell til one day I woke up and realized it didn't hurt so much anymore and then I actually felt a little guilt for feeling a little better. This went on a few years til I checked into rehab and met somebody that became my friend.
I climbed out of my hole and it's been up hill ever since. It took a real long time and I wished I had died many many times. I remember being in so much pain and wanting to lash out at anything and everything around me. I beat up a can opener, destroyed a television, wrecked a car, slashed me wrists, took a whole bottle of pills, picked fights, you name it and I think I did it. Yet, I'm still here years later and now I actually have things to look forward to like my promotion at work that I got today! wow, big deal, right? Well it is to me now.
4. It has not been long since the death of your son; too short a time for you to heal from it all. Do not blame yourself for him taking his life; no one has the right to take a life, even their own. He made the choice, not you. Your wife should not be blaming you for this; if anyone, she should be angry at your son. I am not trying to be mean about your son, but he could have continued on in life, with its ups and downs as the rest of us do. He decided not to do so.
My nephew hung himself and he had all the love and care he could ever wish for from all of us, but he could not handle life and when he was depressed, he decided to end it all. It left his father and mother devistated; they at first blamed one another, but then realized that they needed to cling to each other, to mourn and to learn to live with the deep pain that they carry every day of their life over their loss of a son.
Have you and your wife gone to counseling together? It takes years to get over something like this. My heart goes out to the both of you for this loss. It may be better to move out and move on. Do you have a job? You are not saying, but $1,000.00 could get you a place to live. Please don't give up, it is when we are at our lowest that we learn the most lessons in life. I do believe you need someone to be kind to you; to show you care and affection, not bitterness and blame. Do you have any good friends that can help you? Please let all of us know how you are doing; we feel your desperation.
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